Lei Etiquette in Hawaiʻi: How to Give and Receive a Lei When You're Dating

Part of our Hawaiʻi dating guides, with island pages for Oʻahu, Maui, Hawaiʻi Island, Kauaʻi, Molokaʻi and Lānaʻi.

Published October 27, 2026 · Last reviewed October 27, 2026 · Kamaʻāina Date team, Honolulu

In Hawaiʻi, lei show up at graduations, birthdays, weddings, airport greetings and sometimes for no reason at all. If you're dating here, whether you were raised on the islands or just arrived, knowing the basics helps you give one thoughtfully and receive one gracefully.

What does a lei mean?

Go Hawaiʻi, the state's official visitor site, describes a lei as a garland of flowers, leaves, shells or other natural materials "shared in the spirit of aloha," which "should be offered and received with care and gratitude" (Go Hawaiʻi: Hawaiian culture). A Hawaiʻi Tourism Authority guide calls a lei "a physical embodiment of aloha," thought of by many "as the embrace of a loved one," and notes lei are given at special occasions like graduations, birthdays and promotions, "but also given just because" (HTA culture guide, PDF).

When is a lei a good gift for someone you're dating?

• Big moments: a graduation, birthday, promotion, recital or game, or meeting someone at the airport.
• Anniversaries and celebrations. See our Hawaiʻi anniversary ideas for ways to make a day of it.
• "Just because." Lei can be given for no special reason, though a full lei on a very early date can feel like a lot. Our suggestion: keep first dates simple and save the lei for when you know each other a little.
• Make one together. Go Hawaiʻi suggests looking online for workshops that teach traditional practices like lei making. A class makes a great low-pressure date, rain or shine (more in our rainy day date ideas).

How do you give a lei?

• Gently place it over the person's shoulders so it rests evenly front and back, or hold it out so they can put it on themselves.
• A hug or a kiss on the cheek is common between people who are close, but it's never required. Read the moment and follow their comfort, especially with someone you've just started dating.
• Fragrant flowers can be strong. If you're not sure about allergies, a leaf, shell, seed or ribbon lei is a thoughtful alternative.
• Pregnancy: the HTA guide says it's considered improper to give a tied (closed) lei to a pregnant woman, because a closed lei around the neck is seen as bad luck for the unborn child. Give an open-ended lei instead.

How do you receive a lei?

• Accept it with thanks. Because a lei is a gift of aloha, the HTA guide says it's typically impolite to refuse one. A simple "mahalo" goes a long way.
• Wear it for a while. The guide says it's customary for visitors to wear a lei until they return to their hotel room. For anyone, keeping it on during the occasion shows you value it.
• If you need to take it off, for allergies or heat, do it quietly and keep it somewhere it can still be enjoyed rather than tossing it aside.

What do you do with a lei afterward?

Don't put it in the trash. Go Hawaiʻi says it's considered disrespectful to throw away a lei and suggests returning it to the land by scattering the flowers into the ocean, burying them in a garden or hanging the lei from a tree to decompose naturally. The HTA guide adds that giving a lei away is fine, or you can untie it and return the flowers to nature. Take off any ribbon or string first so only natural materials go back.

Respect goes further than the lei

Lei etiquette is part of a bigger picture: aloha, mālama ʻāina (caring for the land) and ʻohana. Go Hawaiʻi encourages visitors to learn local customs, support Native Hawaiian-owned businesses and cultural practitioners, and follow local guidance. Read more in Hawaiian cultural values in dating and relationships, and if you're new here, our guide for people new to Hawaiʻi or visiting. Buying flowers locally? Our farmers markets guide is a good start.

Questions people ask

Is it rude to refuse a lei in Hawaiʻi?

Generally, yes. A Hawaiʻi Tourism Authority guide says that because lei are physical gifts of aloha, it is typically impolite to refuse one. Accept it with thanks; if you have allergies, you can take it off quietly later.

Can you give a lei to someone you're dating?

Yes. Lei are given for birthdays, graduations, anniversaries and other celebrations, and sometimes just because. On a very early date a full lei can feel like a lot, so many people save it for a special occasion.

Why shouldn't you give a closed lei to a pregnant woman?

The HTA guide says it is considered improper to give a tied lei to a pregnant woman because Hawaiians feel a closed lei around the neck is bad luck for the unborn child. Give an open-ended lei instead.

Do you have to kiss someone when you give a lei?

No. A hug or kiss on the cheek is common between people who are close, but it's not required. Follow the other person's comfort, especially with someone new.

What do you do with an old lei?

Don't throw it in the trash. Go Hawaiʻi suggests returning it to the land: scatter the flowers, bury them in a garden or hang the lei in a tree to decompose. Giving it away is also fine. Remove any ribbon or string first.

How long should you wear a lei?

There's no set rule, but keep it on for the occasion. The HTA guide says it's customary for visitors to wear a lei until they return to their hotel room.

Sources

• Go Hawaiʻi (Hawaiʻi Tourism Authority), Hawaiian Culture & History (what a lei represents; returning a lei to the land; respectful engagement; lei-making workshops).
• Hawaiʻi Tourism Authority / Go Hawaiʻi agent resources, Culture guide (PDF) (lei as an embodiment of aloha; refusing a lei; open lei for pregnancy; wearing and passing on a lei). All sources checked October 27, 2026.

No business or organizer paid to appear in this article, and none of them endorses Kamaʻāina Date. The header image is an original illustration made for this article.